Whose Line Is It Anyway? – Accountant Songs
DREW: Welcome back to “Whose Line is it Anyway?”, the show where everything
is made up and the points don’t matter. Uh, I don’t know how many points to
award because during the commercial I was taking off my pants. (Dances in
his seat. Colin gives him the thumbs-up.) That’s right. OK, now we go on to
a game called “Greatest Hits”. This is for Colin, Ryan, and Wayne, with the
help of Laura Hall on the keyboards. Laura Hall. We just found her outside
before the show. Can you believe it? Uh, Colin and Ryan are, uh, TV
voice-over people, and you’re gonna be talking about the latest compilation
album, and Wayne, you’re gonna sing snippets of the songs. What we need from
the audience is the, uh, a kind of profession you wouldn’t normally sing
songs about… Uh… Okay, I heard a lot of… I heard a lot of
“accounting”. Don’t know how you’re gonna do it, but good luck. Uh, the name
of your album is “Songs of Accounting”.
RYAN: Hi! Sorry to interrupt. We’ll be back to the 24-hour Drew Carey
Network in just a moment. But first we’ve got a special offer for you.
COLIN: You know, many people thing accountants are boring.
RYAN: Isn’t it?
COLIN: They are!
(Ryan realizes his mistake.)
COLIN: But out of great boredom comes great songs, and we’ve come up with a
twenty-five-thousand-hour CD filled with songs of accounting!
RYAN: That’s right, we have, Colin. Many different songs. Who for – could
forget that disco favorite, “D-I-V-O-R-C-E I-R-S”?
(Disco music plays. Wayne “spells” out the letters, a la “YMCA”.)
WAYNE: Get out! Get out!
Listen to me, here’s a fact you will believe!
You cheated on me, now I want your ass to leave!
That’s right, none of this is funny!
Just pack your bags, and give me all your money!
I said, D-I-V-O-R-C-E I-R-Ssss, yeah,
I said, D-I-V-O-R-C-E I-R-Ssss!
(Strikes Travolta pose, then blows on fingers like they’re smoking guns)
RYAN: For me, that brings back memories of big pants and shoes with fish in
COLIN: Enough about yesterday! Every song a hit, every hit a smack! But you
know what? I even have a song on this album! Remember that?
RYAN: You do not!
COLIN: But we don’t have time to listen to it! What we do have time to
listen to is that great song from the swing era, “Your Love has Bankrupted
(swing music plays. Wayne starts snapping his fingers)
WAYNE: Because I would bet seven,
Hoping that your love would take me all the way to Heaven.
But I guess when you gamble you’ve got no luck.
Your love has left me bankrupt.
Oh, chap-ter eleven’s of the hot what I got it’s hot,
Chap-ter eleven’s of the hot what I got.
Oh, you got you, I got me, ain’t got nobody, see,
‘Cause chapter eleven’s what I am.
Because your love has left me bankrupt!
Why dontcha get out of here? Oh yeah!
DREW: (applauding) Man!
RYAN: Hey, Colin!
COLIN: Yes, Ryan?
RYAN: How much would you pay for a 2-CD set like this?
COLIN: Oh, I don’t know… 39 dollars?
RYAN: Uh… Unfortunately, it’s $69.95!
COLIN: But, I was talking 39 dollars in a foreign currency which doesn’t…
RYAN & COLIN: Add up to more than that!
RYAN: All because the hits keep on coming! Who could ever forget that early
Rock and Roll favorite, “Deduct This”?
(Rock N’ Roll piano music. Wayne imitates Little Richard, mimes playing a
Here’s something I know you see!
You better better save all your receipts!
Because you better save ’em,
Because you’ll do the best! Whoo!
Because if you don’t, you save your receipts,
An act they can’t deduct, you better believe me!
Because, IRS, deduct this! Whooo!
Deduct! You’re screwed! Don’t save ’em, now you’re sued!
Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, oh yeah! Whoo!
Baby, you better deduct this! Whooo-ooo!
Transcription credits: https://www.geocities.com/mstiescott/103.html